Best life jokes

Best life jokes DEFAULT


Funny Quotes About Life

Funny quotes about life to feed your funnybone and find your funny zone. Free clean jokes to lighten your load, hit the high road, and keep you mellowed. Onward, Pilgrim!

Links to more “Life” one-liners at bottom of page.
Share your own jokes or feedback in the Comment box.

Free Clean Jokes:
Life, Group 1

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Life is God's joke on us. It's our mission to figure out the punchline.
- John Guarrine

My whole life is waiting for the questions to which I have prepared answers.
- Tom Stoppard

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
- Dave Barry

In the Book of Life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
- Robert Orben

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

Funny Quotes About Life
Group 2

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
- Guy Bellamy

Life is a near-death experience.
- George Carlin

Life is a zoo in a jungle.
- Peter De Vries

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
- Douglas Adams

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen

Life is what happens when you’re not watching television.
- Jason Love

If you want my final opinion on the mystery of life and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell. The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked inside the safe.
- Peter De Vries

I believe in living every day like it’s your last day. Which is why I never have any clean clothes. Who wants to do laundry on the last day?
- Anonymous

Free Clean Jokes:
"Life"Group 3

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
- Helen Hayes

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.
- Bill Watterson

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
- Ernestine Ulme

If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
- Bill Watterson

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer


My life seems like one long obstacle course with me as the chief obstacle.
- Jack Parr

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
- Andy Borowitz

Funny Quotes About Life
Group 4

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
- Hugh Leonard

My goal in life is to have a mind as smart as my mouth.
- Melanie White


Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
- Fred Allen

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
- Anonymous

If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it'll be 90% me looking for something to wipe my hands on.
- Mike Vanatta

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.
- Jim Steinman

Funny Quotes About Life
Group 5: Tweets

My life coach told me to throw a Hail Mary.
- Ashley ‏@ashleycrem

You think your life is tough? Think about those teens who have to do their own laundry.
- danny ‏@Mardigroan

Remember, no matter how hard life gets, it's no where near as hard as infomercials make it look to perform a task the old traditional way.
- TravisErwin ‏@TravisErwin

Life is a carnival and I've got motion sickness.
- Sad meteorologist ‏@SadMeterologist

When life gives you lemons, put all your eggs in one basket so everyone knows you suck at metaphors.
- Grover ‏@XGroverX

Every day is a gift. Make sure you keep the receipt.
- Glass Half Empty ‏@GlassHalfEmpty_

Netflix Recommendations are my life coach.
- Nathan ‏@stockejock

Lif is too short.
- Glass Half Empty ‏@GreySkyThinking

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Living it up yet? More like this at these links:

Cute Life Quotes

Funny Life Quotes

Funny Quotes On Life

Funny Inspirational Quotes About Life

Or go back from "Funny Quotes About Life" to "Cool Quotes"

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Dads are good at so many things, from teaching you how to ride a bike to showing you how to change a tire, and everything in between. They provide a reassuring hand to hold and a strong shoulder to cry on...all with that special sense of humor known as dad jokes. What's a dad joke, you ask? It's that groan-worthy, pun-laden, can't-help-but-laugh type of humor that dads are best at delivering. Sure, there are mom jokes and jokes for kids, but we just can't help but laugh at the one-liners from dear old dad.

🌻 Join the Country Club today and

Put these so-bad-they're-good best dad jokes of all time to use as Father's Day captions and put a smile on your old man's face this year. Of course, if you'd like to take a more sentimental route, we have plenty of meaningful dad quotes to choose from too.

Best Corny Dad Jokes

  • "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
  • "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
  • "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
  • "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
  • "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
  • "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
  • "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."
  • "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."
  • "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."
  • "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
  • "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
  • "What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
  • "Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
  • "What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
  • "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
  • "I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
  • "How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
  • "What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
  • "What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
  • "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
  • "Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
  • "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
  • "What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
  • "What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
  • "What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
  • "Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
  • "What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
  • "Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
  • "What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less."
  • "I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
  • "Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
  • "I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
  • "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
  • "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
  • "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
  • "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
  • "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
  • "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
  • "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
  • "What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
  • "Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."
  • "Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
  • "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."
  • "What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?" "Yellow!"
  • "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."
  • "What kind of car does an egg drive?" "A yolkswagen."
  • "Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."
  • "How do you make 7 even?" "Take away the s."
  • "How does a taco say grace?" "Lettuce pray."
  • "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
  • "Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "It didn't have the guts."
  • "What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?" "A meltdown."
  • "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."
  • "I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."
  • "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
  • "What does a bee use to brush its hair?" "A honeycomb!"
  • "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."
  • "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"
  • "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."
  • "My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."
  • "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"
  • "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."
  • "How did Harry Potter get down the hill?" "Walking. JK! Rowling."

Best One-Liner Dad Jokes

  • "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
  • "A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
  • "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."
  • "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"
  • "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know..."
  • "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
  • "That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted."
  • "Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."
  • "If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
  • "What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."
  • "I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."
  • "Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."
  • "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up."
  • "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"
  • "I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."
  • "I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."
  • "Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."
  • "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
  • "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
  • "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
  • "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
  • "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
  • "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."
  • "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."
  • "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."
  • "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"
  • "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."
  • "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."
  • "What's brown and sticky? A stick."
  • "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."
  • "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."
  • "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."
  • "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"
  • "What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant."
  • "I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."
  • "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"
  • "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
  • "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know."
  • "It takes guts to be an organ donor."
  • "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"
  • "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"
  • "I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it."

Best Dad Joke Puns

  • "What do you call a fake noodle?" "An impasta."
  • "What do you call a belt made of watches?" "A waist of time."
  • "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?" "Traffic jam."
  • "What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?" "Prime mates."
  • "What do you call a pony with a sore throat?" "A little hoarse."
  • "Where do math teachers go on vacation?" "Times Square."
  • "Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers."
  • "What does garlic do when it gets hot?" "It takes its cloves off."
  • "What's a robot's favorite snack?" "Computer chips."
  • "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?" "Nothing, it's on the house."
  • "Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."
  • "What do clouds wear?" "Thunderwear."
  • "Why are piggy banks so wise?" "They're filled with common cents."
  • "Why is Peter Pan always flying?" "He neverlands."
  • "How do you get a good price on a sled?" "You have toboggan."
  • "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?" "By its bark."
  • "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."
  • "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."
  • "What do you call a hot dog on wheels?" "Fast food!"
  • "Where do young trees go to learn?" "Elementree school."
  • "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."
  • "Can February March? No, but April May!"
  • "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"
  • "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
  • "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."
  • "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants."
  • "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."
  • "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"
  • "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."
  • "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."
  • "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."
  • "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"
  • "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."
  • "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."
  • "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."
  • "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."
  • "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."
  • "What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."
  • "Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."
  • "If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?" "An iWitness."

Blair DonovanBlair Donovan is a staff writer for CountryLiving.com, where she covers everything from the latest Joanna Gaines and “The Voice” news to home décor, gardening, DIY, and entertaining.

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57 Hilarious, Silly Jokes No One Is Too Old to Laugh At

There's a time and a place for well-crafted, sophisticated, complex jokes that you have to have a certain level of knowledge or experience to even get. But hilarious andsilly jokes never go out of style. If your sense of humor tends to lean to the goofy side of things, don't be ashamed. Everyone loves a good crowdpleaser—that's why we call them that! So read on for some of our favorite groaner jokes, and don't forget to pass them on to your equally immature friends.

  1. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
  2. I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
  3. What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
  4. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
  5. Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
  6. Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
  7. Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
  8. I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
  9. What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
  10. I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
  11. Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I've ever done!
  12. What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
  13. I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!
  14. When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.
  15. A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.
Senior man and young boy laughing on couch
  1. You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.
  2. I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
  3. What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
  4. Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.
  5. I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?" It was a running joke.
  6. Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
  7. How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.
  8. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
  9. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
  10. A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled…cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!"
  11. What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
  12. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
  13. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
  14. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river.  One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"
  15. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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  1. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
  2. "I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
  3. I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.
  4. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  5. Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for decades.
  6. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.
  7. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
  8. A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"
  9. What do you call bears with no ears? B–
  10. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
  11. Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.
  12. And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
  13. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
  14. What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*
  15. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…
Two young women looking at phone laughing
  1. Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
  2. I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
  3. What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You're looking sharp.
  4. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  5. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  6. I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  7. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
  8. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  9. What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.
  10. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu—you get what you deserve.
  11. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know, and I don't really care.
  12. What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Sours: https://bestlifeonline.com/hilariously-silly-jokes/
BILLY CONNOLLY - BEST JOKES EVER

May the farce be with you! Laugh at funny Star Wars jokes, puns and comics by Boys’ Life readers that would even make Darth Vader chuckle. Do you know a funny Star Wars joke or pun? Click here to send in your joke.

pedro-starwars

DOWNLOAD A FREE POCKET JOKE BOOK!

Print and fold your own pocket joke book, filled with great Star Wars jokes!
• Download the joke book (PDF)
• Folding instructions

Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world?
Craig: Who?
Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!

Joke submitted by Greg A., Aromas, Calif.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Ronan: Why are there no stairs in the Death Star?
Kevin: Why?
Ronan: Because everyone uses the ele-Vader.

Joke submitted by Ronan W., Stow, Mass.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Hayden: What kind of car does a Jedi drive?
Jake: I don’t know.
Hayden: A Toy Yoda.

Joke submitted by Hayden S., Eugene, Ore.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Jackson: Which “Star Wars” character lives in Florida?
Mario: Which one?
Jackson: Orlando Calrissian.

Joke submitted by Jackson A., Norfolk, Va.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Wesley: What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo?
Ethan: Tell me.
Wesley: “Use the horse, Luke!”

Joke submitted by Wesley L., Miami, Ariz.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Before going away on another adventure, Goldilocks first stopped at Yoda’s house.

Goldilocks said to Yoda, “I’m leaving on my new adventure.”

Yoda said, “Wherever you go, may the porridge be with you.”

Joke submitted by Jason Z., Nassau, N.Y.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding?
Daniel: What?
Matthew: Bow ties, of course!

Joke submitted by Matthew C., Farmington, N.M.

Comic by Scott Nickel

A book never written: “How to Swing a Lightsaber” by Jed Eye.

Joke submitted by Keegan B., Marathon, Wis.

Comic by Jon Carter

Savannah: What’s the most popular Star Wars movie in Italy?
Serena: Which one?
Savannah: The Phantom Venice.

Joke submitted by Nathaniel C., Manhattan, Kan.

Comic by Scott Nickel

John: Did you hear about the Star Mars movie with an invisible droid?
Josh: No. What did they call it?
John: C-through-PO!

Joke submitted by John A., Jackson, Miss.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Tom Swiftie: “Let’s watch ‘Star Wars’!” Tom said forcefully.

Joke submitted by Stephen C., Alexandria, Va.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Luke: Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files in Star Wars?
Han: Which one?
Luke: Adobe-Wan Kenobi!

Joke submitted by Luke C., Elm Grove, Wis.

Comic by Jon Carter

Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?
Leia: Not sure.
Luke: To get to the Dark Side.

Joke submitted by Luke C., Elm Grove, Wis.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Bill: What do you call a bird of prey with a thousand lives?
Bob: Tell me.
Bill: A millennium falcon!

Joke submitted by Kolbi R., Atascadero, Calif.

starwars-1

Deena: Why was the droid angry?
Mark: Why?
Deena: People kept pushing its buttons.

Joke submitted by Deena L., Provo, Utah
Comic by Daryll Collins

Comic by Scott Nickel

Matthew: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Kyle: I don’t know.
Matthew: In charge of scheduling Yoda was.

Joke submitted by Matthew W., Eagle, Colo.

Comic by Nathan Cooper

Daffynition: Lukewarm— A Jedi who can’t find the thermostat.

Joke submitted by Jess C., Mason, Ohio

Comic by Nathan Cooper

Sean: Do you know the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Ryan: No idea.
Sean: Lukewarm.

Joke submitted by Sean E., Thousand Oaks, Calif.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas.
Luke: How do you know?
Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.

Joke submitted by Mark R., Barrington, R.I.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Luke: What’s for dinner tonight, dad?
Anakin: Wookiee steak.
Luke: Is it any good?
Anakin: It’s a little chewy.

Joke submitted by Stephanie P., Hartford, Conn.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Zach: What do you get when you cross Darth Vader with an elephant?
Jack: What?
Zach: An elevator!

Joke submitted by Zach W., Orleans, Ind.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Jon: What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name?
Emily: I don’t remember.
Jon: The.

Joke submitted by Jon C., Las Vegas, Nev.

starwars-2

Comic by Scott Nickel

Pedro: What did Darth Vader say to the emperor at the Star Wars auction?
Chasen: What?
Pedro: “What is thy bidding, my master?

Joke submitted by Chasen T., Pearblossom, Calif.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Zach: What do you get if you mix a bounty hunter with a tropical fruit?
Eric: You tell me.
Zach: Mango Fett!

Joke submitted by Zach E., Omaha, Neb.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Zach: What do you call Chewbacca when he gets chocolate in his fur?
Connor: Tell me.
Zach: A chocolate chip Wookie!

Joke submitted by Zach F., Greeley, Colo.

yoyoda

David: What is a Jedi’s favorite toy?
Simon: I dunno.
David: A yo-yoda!

Joke submitted by David B., Quaker Hill, Conn.
Comic by Daryll Collins

Bob: What do you call an evil procrastinator?
Rob: Beats me.
Bob: Darth Later!

Joke submitted by Adam P., Palo Alto, Calif.

Comic by Scott Nickel

Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke still can’t figure out the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere.

Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

Joke submitted by Alexis R., Margate, Fla.

starwars-3

Comic by Derrick Wood

Travis: Where is the best place to shop for lightsabers?
James: Where?
Travis: The Darth Maul.

Joke submitted by Travis B., Eveleth, Minn.

A Punny Book: “A Guide to Star Wars” by Amanda Lorian.

Joke submitted by Ezra C., Eugene, Ore.

saberjoke

Comic by Scott Nickel

Anthony: Which Star Wars character likes coffee the most?
Thomas: Which one?
Anthony: Java the Hutt.

Joke submitted by Anthony P., Columbia, Md.

Parker: What do Jedis order at Chinese restaurants?
Scotty: That’s a tough one.
Parker: Pada-wonton soup!

Joke submitted by Parker B., West Seneca, N.Y.

Peter: What’s a baseball player’s least favorite Star Wars movie?
Sammy: I have no idea.
Peter:The Umpire Strikes Back.

Joke submitted by Peter S., Greenwich, Conn.
Comic by Daryll Collins

Hayes: What do you call a potato that’s gone bad?
Ben: Not sure.
Hayes: Vader Tots.

Joke submitted by Hayes T., Yonkers, N.Y.

starwars-crop

Comic by Scott Nickel

A book never written: “How to Talk Like Yoda” by Ajedi I. Am.

Joke submitted by Charlie B., Culpeper, Va.

Aayush: Why did Rey not feed BB-8?
Sean: I don’t know. Why?
Aayush: Because BB-8 (ate).

Joke submitted by Aayush P., Nutley, N.J.

starwars-2

Dane: What kind of money do they use in space?
Louis: Tell me.
Dane: Starbucks.

Joke submitted by Dane M, Pomona, N.Y.
Comic by Daryll Collins

A book never written: “The Force” by Jed I. Knight.

Joke submitted by Vincent O., Springfield, Va.

DOWNLOAD A FREE POCKET JOKE BOOK!

Print and fold your own pocket joke book, filled with great Star Wars jokes!
• Download the joke book (PDF)
• Folding instructions

Do you know a funny Star Wars joke or pun? Click here to send in your joke.

Check This Out!

Sours: https://scoutlife.org/features/145098/funny-star-wars-jokes-and-comics/

Life jokes best

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

Fox News actually saved my life.

I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.

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I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....

My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion".
I said, "I haven't put it on yet"

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

There are 3 unwritten rules of life.

1.

2.

3.

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My sex life is like Coca-Cola.

First it was normal, then light and now zero.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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Next time you're feeling down, remember that life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day and reads two books every week yet he always complains how he much he hates prison.

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

Death is the only certainty in life

"There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She ...

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My mama always said life was like a penis

When it gets hard...fuck it

The Nagging wife.Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed t...

Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around?

Because he was a cinna-mon

When life hands you melons...

You might be dyslexic

And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster

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My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

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So over the past few weeks I've been mastering the art of ejaculating in various shapes. I've done squares, triangles, hexagons, but could not for the life of me form an oval. I was starting to get frustrated, but its fine now...

I came a round.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Fat people go through it faster than skinny ones

I saw a book on Amazon, “How to reduce your life’s problems by 50%.”

Naturally I ordered two copies.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

Grandma, you are 105 years old, what's the secret for such a long life?

"I don't have enough money for burial services."

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting ...

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

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My covid status is like my sex life

I'm vaccinated

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

What do you title a book about a Jewish girl brought back to life?

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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Did you hear about the woman who finally achieved her life long dream of working as a dildo tester?

People said she didn't have it in her, but she does.

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

The secret to a long life.

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret.
I’ve been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

Man: "Aww geez, my life sucks!"

Narrator in Hiroshima: *It was about to get a whole lot worse*

Do you know what collapses faster than my life?

the Afghanistan government

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

When life gives you melons...

...you're probably byslecix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had the best sex of my life while camping.

It was fucking in tents

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Why sex life of necrophiacs is frustrating?

Potential partners are under a rock

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

I wasted all of my life savings on pasta...

It was worth every Penne.

Don't let casual racism be a part of your life

Go competitive

A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.

A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.

The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.

When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been prayi...

Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say smoking and drinking take years off your life.

Those last 10-15 years are pretty crappy anyway

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

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A husband and wife are looking to spice up their sex life

The husband comes home one day with a shopping bag from a costume shop. "I've got a surprise for you. I thought we could try a little role-playing tonight. I'll call you into the bedroom after I've changed."

The wife becomes excited as she waits to be summoned to an erotic night of love-makin...

I always wanted my life to be a meme

Dead within a week

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A couple decides to spice up their sex life

The man asks his wife, “let’s try doing the “Bill Clinton”, where you blow me as I’m working”.

The wife says “ok, as long as we don’t do the “JFK”, where you splatter all over me unexpectedly”.

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I finally fulfilled a life long dream and had sex with an Asian girl!

It was really good, but two hours later I was horny again....

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Life sucks.

That's probably why most people choose to be dicks...

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

Dont Blame Someone Else For All The Things That Happen In Your Life And The Road You Have Chosen...

Thats Your Own Asphalt

Mid life career change

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what do you do?" the bartender chats him up. "Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT," the guy says. "How was it changing careers?" the bartender asks. "Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that t...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said to me "would you rather give up chocolate or blow jobs for the rest of your life?"

I said "definitely blowjobs, they hurt my jaw and throat after a while"

My life is a joke

Wait nevermind, jokes have meaning

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.

He was so right..... I feel 10 years older and I only jogged for 15 minutes

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free beer for life

A man walks into a bar sits down on an open stool and orders a drink. As he’s looking around the place he notices a sign on the wall that says free beer for life. Intrigued he asks the bartender what the sign is about. Bartender tells him there are 3 things he has to do if he wants the free beer. “W...

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Life insurance

An elderly man goes to the life insurer to make a contract with them, but the lady there asks:
- How old are you, Sir?
- I'm 102 years old.
- 102 ?! And you want to take out life insurance at your age? Do you know what? Come back tomorrow.
- Not good tomorrow. Then it will be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

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A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

"Do you smoke?"

*"Yes."*

"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."

*"Yeah I know."*

"How old are you?"

*"18."*

"You would have been 28 by now."

Worries in life

There are only 2 things in the world to worry about, Are you healthy or or you sick?

If you''re healthy, there's nothing to worry about. If you're sick, there's two things to worry about.

If you''re gong to get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you're going to die, there's tw...

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

Of all my favorite burglars in life

The bakery thief really takes the cake

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

Would you like to be the sun of my life?

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?


Her: Awww... Yes!!!


Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

If I end up on life support, unplug me.

Then plug me back in. See if that works.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The most important thing in life is love...

... and I fucking love money

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life fucks you pretty hard

But atleast it won't ask for child support payments

In honor of Dads everywhere: Father's Day is Dad Joke central - a way of life.

I took my Dad to breakfast this morning. A woman was bringing a pot of coffee around to see if people needed refills. At each take, people would likely accept or decline.. "Yes, thank you." "No, we're fine, thanks."

She gets to our table.

"More coffee?"

Dad: "Is it free?"
<...

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

My life is a lot like chess.

I'm really bad at it.

Life is decay

so be a fungi

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you?

on Oni Fans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

I've stopped burning bridges in my life

because they make them out of steel now.

Why is it called the circle of life?

Because it has no point.

A husband and wife give up their identical twin boys for adoption. They name one of them Juan and the other Amol

Years later the wife receives a letter from Juan reaching out to her, he included a picture. Elated she showed her husband who was excited to see his son doing so well in life.. weeks later they receive a letter from Amol telling them how well he is doing and also included a picture. Wife asks hubb...

The first animals to leave the ocean probably probably weren't too used to life on land.

You could even say they were like fish out of water.

I wanna be a fiction writer later in life.

So I'm studying journalism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Thor was bored with life on Asgard and one day decided travel to earth to entertain himself.

Whilst here he happened upon a beautiful maiden and the pair hooked up that evening and made love all night, with Thor slipping out in the early hours.

Back in Asgard Thor felt bad for the fair lady about slipping away never too be seen again and thought he at least owed it to her to explain...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

Albert Einstein was a musician throughout his life. He had a phase where he experimented with hip hop. His rapper name was

MC squared

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

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The 61 Best (CLEAN) Jokes Ever

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Looking for a good laugh? We’ve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud.

Laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul.

Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins.

So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings, and observations and get laughing today.

Funny Quotes

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

Mitch Hedberg

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Don Marquis
AA Milne funny quote "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day"

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein
Elbert Hubbard quote "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive"

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

Ambrose Pierce

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

Ann Landers

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Bob Hope

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Caroline Rhea

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles Shulz
George Carlin quote "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house"

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Charlie Chaplin

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

Charleton Heston

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Dale Carnegie

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

Daniel J. Boorstin

Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.

Emo Philips

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott
Steven Wright funny quote "What's another word for Thesaurus?"

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Bill Waterson

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Gertrude Stein

All men are equal before fish.

Herbert Hoover

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

Jean Rostand
Groucho Marx funny quote "Marriage is the chief cause of divorce"

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Katharine Hepburn

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Laurence J. Peter

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Mark Twain

I am only human, although I regret it.

Mark Twain

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Norm Crosby

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Oscar Levant

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Tom Lehrer

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W. C. Fields

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Sam Levenson

He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.

George Bernard Shaw

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers
Yogi Berra quote "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded"

I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.

Henny Youngman

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Dennis Wholey

Funny Quotes from Comedians

Nobody provides laughs like comedians. After all, they do it for a living!

These funny quotes are some of the best we could find from hilarious actors and comics alike.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Andy Rooney

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Benny Hill

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

Dave Barry
Stephen Colbert funny quote "Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us"

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.

George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns
Conan O'Brien quote "When all else fails, there’s always delusion"

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?

George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Jerry Seinfeld

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

Jay Leno

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Jackie Mason

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson
Larry David funny quote "I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk"

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Bill Maher

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Bill Maher

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

Bill Maher

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

Conan O’Brien

The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.

Conan O’Brien

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin
George Carlin funny quote "I’m in shape. Round is a shape"

The road to success is always under construction.

Lily Tomlin

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Naguib Mahfouz

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.

Gilbert Gottfried

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

Gilbert Gottfried

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

Zach Galifianakis

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

Larry David
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap"

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.

Larry David

I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.

Seth MacFarlane

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.

Tina Fey

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Steve Martin

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Mae West

I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.

Marc Maron
Ellen DeGeneres funny quote "Procrastinate now, don’t put it off"

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

Margaret Culkin Banning

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Matt Groening

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Jon Stewart

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Jon Stewart

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours"

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Milton Berle

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Rita Mae Brown

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner
Bill Murray funny quote "I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it"

If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Woody Allen

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

Bill Murray

Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.

Will Ferrell

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

George Eliot
Ron White funny quote "You can’t fix stupid"

Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.

Thomas Sowell

If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.

Dick Cavett

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Sid Caesar

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Jay Leno

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

Mae West

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Franklin Jones

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.

Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin quote "I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone"

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

Ron White

DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’

Ron White

I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.

Ron White
"I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill"

Quotes to Make You Laugh

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.

Benjamin Franklin

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Bob Thaves

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

Clarence Darrow

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Dave Barry

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Earl Wilson
Elon Musk quote "I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact"

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

George Burns

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

George W. Bush

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

Groucho Marx
"These drapes are awful.  One of us will have to go."

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Harlan Ellison

Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Helen Rowland

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

Henny Youngman

Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.

Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Charles Schulz

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

Greg Tamblyn

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno
Groucho Marx quote "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member"

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

James Thurber

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.

Betty White

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Clint Eastwood

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

Josh Billings

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Kin Hubbard

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain
"What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork"

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Miles Kington

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Natalie Wood

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Oscar Wilde

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Paul Fix

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

Fatz Domino

“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.

Thomas Lansing Masson

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield
John Lennon funny quote "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes"

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Ronald Reagan

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Sam Ewing

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.

Si Robertson

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright
Stan Laurel quote "If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again"

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

H.L. Mencken

I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.

Jay Shulte

I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.

Michael Scott

Hilarious Sayings

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Bryan White

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan
Charles de Gaulle funny quote "He who laughs last didn’t get the joke"

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

E. B. White

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ernest Hemingway

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

Voltaire

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

Ronald Reagan
Fran Leibowitz funny quote "You’re only as good as your last haircut"

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston Chruchill

f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

Jane Wagner

Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

Jessica Simpson

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Sam Levenson

Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.

J.R. Ewing, Dallas

A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.

Michael Douglas, Wall Street

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Derek Bok
Karen Linamen funny quote "A waist is a terrible thing to mind"

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

H. Kyle Seale

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.

Mark Twain

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Jim Davis

Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

Joan Collins

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

John F. Kenendy

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant
Homer SImpson funny quote "Trying is the first step toward failure"

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

Sir Alec Issigonis

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Robert Bloch

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

Steven Weinberg

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Steven Wright

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Samuel Goldwyn

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

Scott Adams

When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’

Sydney J. Harris
"If you come to a fork in the road take it"

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields

We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

W. H. Auden

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Will Rogers

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Steve Carell, The Office

You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.

Joel Osteen

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Charles Dudley Warner
Oscar Wilde joke "Work is the curse of the drinking classes"

If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.

Jim Rome

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

Bill Hicks

Funny Observations

Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh.

These humorous observation quotes are a great way to reflect and add some levity to daily situations.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

Oscar Wilde

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Albert Camus

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers
Robin Williams quote "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Anton Chekhov

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Charles Wadsworth

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

Christopher Morley

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Chuck Palahniuk

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

Dennis Waitley

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

Desmond Morris

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Doug Larson

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld
""Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most"

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Mathau

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

Harry Hill

Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.

J. Paul Getty

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.

Janet Evanovich
Steven Wright quote "You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"

Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

Jeffree Star

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

Jim Harrison

Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

Jim Rohn

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Navjot Singh Sidhu

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

John Maynard Keynes

Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

John Wayne

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

Bill Vaughan

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner
"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers"

A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.

Laurence J. Peter

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

Norm Crosby

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Paul R. Ehrlich

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Robert Frost

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Will Rogers

A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

William James
Harold Wilson quote "I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat"

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Zig Ziglar

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Winston Chruchill

Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

Ellen DeGeneris

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.

Mark Withers

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

Marty Allen

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

Rich Hall
Mark Twain joke "The reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated"

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Doug Larson

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

Demetri Martin

We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day.

Come back anytime you can benefit from a good laugh, and stay inspired.

Updated May 24, 2021.

Sours: https://www.keepinspiring.me/funny-quotes/

Now discussing:

This is a story about one of my favorite dad jokes.

My dad passed away ten years ago. He died of an enlarged heart, and when the news spread in our neighborhood, well-meaning friends and acquaintances would walk up to my brother and me and tell us, “Your dad died as he lived, with a big heart.” It never failed to annoy us. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite.

“He died as he lived,” we’d say, nodding meaningfully. “With angry, irritable bowels.”

It made us laugh. But more importantly, we knew it would’ve made our dad laugh. For most of his life (or at least as long as I knew him), he was a huge advocate and gleeful teller of Dad Jokes.

If you’ve ever had a father (or currently are one), you don’t need me to explain a Dad Joke. To paraphrase US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart when expounding on how to identify pornography in 1964, you’ll know it when you see it.

If it evokes a reaction somewhere between cringing and earnest laughter, and you simultaneously want to tell the person sharing the joke to tell you more and also shut up because they’re embarrassing you in front of your friends, congratulations, you’re in the presence of a Dad joke.

Are Dad jokes good for you? Inarguably. Recent studies have shown that a good dose of humor, however groan-worthy, can lower your risk of cardiovascular illness, increase your body's ability to fight pain and prevent disease, and even help you live longer. Yes, fine, it didn’t help my dad live longer, but I know for a fact that he was laughing on the last day of his life, and that seems like the best possible way to leave this mortal coil.

Here are 150 of our favorite dad jokes, separated into several distinct categories for any dad-amusing situation. Make your father laugh today. Trust us on this, you’ll miss those big, unapologetic belly laughs when he’s gone.

Punny Dad Jokes

  • What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
  • After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
  • My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”
  • What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.
  • I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.
  • Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
  • I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
  • Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
  • What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
  • I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
  • Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
  • Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
  • In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.
  • What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
  • In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
  • Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.
  • My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
  • What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
  • If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
  • Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
  • This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
  • It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
  • I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
  • How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
  • The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this
  • I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
  • I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
  • To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
  • What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
  • I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
  • If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.
  • Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
  • If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?
  • Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
  • A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
  • What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
  • A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.
  • What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.
  • How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.

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'Groaner' Dad Jokes

  • Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  • I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
  • I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
  • I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.
  • How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
  • I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
  • Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
  • What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.
  • I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
  • Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
  • Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.
  • I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
  • I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
  • Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
  • I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.
  • I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
  • "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
  • My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.
  • I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
  • Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.
  • Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?
  • This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
  • I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.
  • In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.
  • Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
  • Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.
  • If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
  • My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."
  • I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."
  • What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.
  • My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
  • When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
  • What's brown and sticky? A stick.
  • My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
  • A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
  • I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
  • Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time
  • During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.
  • Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.
  • Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  • When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
  • “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
  • I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
  • What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
  • How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.
  • I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
  • I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
  • What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
  • I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
  • Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
  • What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  • At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
    I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
  • A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.
  • How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!
  • How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
  • I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.
  • I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.
  • Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.
  • What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
  • Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.
  • I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.
    She said I won’t be able to make it.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  • I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.
  • A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
  • Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.
  • I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."
  • What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.
  • What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
  • I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
  • You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.
  • My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.
  • I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.
    Clothes, but no cigar.
  • Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.

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Sick Dad Jokes

  • My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.
  • Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
  • As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
  • I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
  • What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
  • I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
  • They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
  • The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
  • Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
  • If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.
  • I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.
  • My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.
  • In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.
  • A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”
  • I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys.
  • What do you call bears with no ears? B.
  • What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
  • A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
  • I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.
  • When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
  • A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.
  • What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
  • I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

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The Best “My Wife” Dad Jokes

  • I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
  • My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
  • My wife wanted to spice up our sex life, so she asked if we could play doctor tonight. It seemed like a weird idea, but I’m eager to please.
  • My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."
  • My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
  • My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.
  • When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
  • After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
  • Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
  • My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
  • My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don't worry, I'll return.
  • “Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”
  • I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”
  • “Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”
  • My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Because she has no taste."
  • Marriage involves three rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.
  • "Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."
  • One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”
  • I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.
  • I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.
  • My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
  • My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to like it.

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Parenting Dad Jokes

  • My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
  • When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
  • My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.
  • I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.
  • “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.
  • What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.
  • I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
  • What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
  • I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.
  • My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.
  • I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
  • A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
  • Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
  • “What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
  • Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”
  • A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”
  • A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
  • Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
  • My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.
  • I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.
  • I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

Eric SpitznagelEric Spitznagel is a frequent contributor to magazines like Playboy, Esquire, and the New York Times, and was employed for over two decades by the Second City comedy theater, where Stephen Colbert was his Secret Santa _twice.

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